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I promised you all this week that I would write more about my experience at St. John’s Kitchen. I have been putting this off for many reasons, but mainly, I'm having a really hard time articulating my feelings towards the experiences I have had there. When we were initially told that we had to choose an organization to volunteer with in KW - one which we have never been involved with, and one which involved working with marginalized groups - I had this expectation that my experience was supposed to be so far outside of my reality that blog topics would be spewing from me. I chose St. John’s because I had never been involved with an organization that was exclusively involved with addressing issues of poverty. This was supposed to be outside of my comfort zone; I assumed I was supposed to feel alienated and detached and oppressive etc. Well I definitely failed on that one, because besides my existential crisis about the guilt associated with using service work as a means for self improvement; I haven’t found myself feeling negative things. I keep waiting to be shocked by the things I’ve seen there. I keep waiting to feel like I couldn’t possibly understand where these individuals are coming from. But I don’t feel like that at all. In fact, I find myself doing quite the opposite. In some circumstances I even find myself getting rather defensive of the things that go on there, regardless of whether they are considered “socially acceptable” or not. I hesitate to get into specific examples of this, because I feel like they aren’t my stories to share, and that without context people may make judgements or assumptions about these individuals, and this is the last thing that I want. But I will do my best to try and honour the experiences of others, while still sharing my own for the purposes of illustrating my point.
I am going to start with the story of my day yesterday, which will seem random, but I promise to bring it back to St. John’s. My day yesterday got off to a rather unexpected and frustrating start. I am one of the coordinators of the UW Women’s Centre, and as such I often times get dragged into the ridiculousness of student politics on campus. I can be rather diplomatic, and I know how to play the game when I need to, but dealing with bureaucracy is probably my least favourite thing about any position (paid or volunteer) that I’ve had. There is one particular issue that we are dealing with currently at the Women’s Centre that has been causing a lot of contention, and there are some who feel that the Women’s Centre should take less of a stand on this issue, because it is making certain individuals uncomfortable, and might reflect badly on others. But of course the political game requires that no one ever come right out and say any of this, instead everyone tip toes around one another and uses carefully crafted emails so as to not offend, but to slightly intimidate. Gotta love the political game – fakeness, lies, and red tape: what’s not to love?!...*sigh*. Of course, all of this nonsense yesterday morning made me frustrated, and upset, and all I wanted was to not be near UW people – which unfortunately I have come to associate with not so nice things. So, my solution was to head to St. John’s earlier than usual and try and distract myself. I figured I would still be angry underneath, but that being in an environment, like that of St. John's, would force me to at least pretend to be fine. Well, it did a lot more than that. After about 20 minutes of being there, I completely let go of my frustration. I of course was even more frustrated once I went home and received what seemed like a million emails about the same ridiculous issue...but for about 6 hours of my day, I was frustration free.
It’s hard for me to articulate why I can let go of my frustrations at St. John’s, but I am going to attempt to do so. There is a great deal of comfort that I feel while I am there, and it isn’t for the reasons that I think people would expect. I am not filled with gooey feelings of warmth because I think I am doing a good thing – in fact I still very much feel the same guilt that I did when I initially started there, because I know for a fact that I am getting more out of this than I am giving back. But I feel good about being there because it is an environment that makes sense to me. All the mindless social crap that we are expected to fit into day in and day out gets checked at the door. I don’t have to deal with politics, or diplomacy or red tape – I can just be. There seems to be this thought that if you go to university you are somehow higher on the invisible social hierarchy ladder – we are the leaders of tomorrow, the smartest of the smart, the “civilized”. I for one think this is absolute garbage. There is nothing particularly dignified or civilized or smart about bureaucracy and politics – which is a reality if you move up the ladder. To me, I associate this sort of thing with dishonesty and a lack of integrity – which even a 5 year old child can tell you are bad things. But there is this expectation that we be diplomatic so as to not offend, that we be fake and hide what we really think, no matter how much you might just want to cuss out that person who just mindlessly makes inappropriate comments. And I am guilty of doing it – like I said, I play the game when I need to, but I am frustrated by the underlying suggestion that somehow doing these things makes you “civilized”. To me, there is something so raw, and so honest about St. John’s Kitchen, and the people who use the service. They may not be diplomatic, or what most would consider particularly dignified/refined, and sure some of them may even lie or steal, but you can trust them to be human - to feel emotion and pain, and to react to it in a real way. And it’s this innate sense of honest humanity that just makes me feel comfortable there. I will give you an example. The last Wednesday of every month is when patrons receive their social assistance cheques. And often the last Thursday and Friday of the month you tend to see some patrons come in really drunk or high. It’s easy to put two and two together on this one, and it’s probably easier to make superficial judgements about this sort of thing – they are responsible for their own poverty, they are just lazy and refuse to work hard, they deserve to be where they are. I don’t see it that way however. To me, underneath all of this is just a lot of pain. It is a manifestation of a life lived in poverty; a manifestation of structural violence, and for whatever reason, it clicks with me (not in the sense that I can relate based on my own lived experience – my intention isn’t to marginalize their experiences - but just that I can understand where it comes from). It saddens me to see this sort of thing, and I can’t say it doesn’t frustrate me at times, but my frustration lies in the fact that it is incredibly shameful that poverty is a reality that we allow and accept as a society. I also get frustrated that we look down on this type of behaviour and call it “uncivilized”. But those who live in poverty often react this way, because that’s how they have learned to survive – what’s the excuse for those of us who don’t? We lack integrity and lie so we can get ahead, consume, oppress? I for one am exhausted by it. So I spend time at St. John’s Kitchen. I go as much as I can during the week, because most of the time I would rather spend time with honest strangers, then with dishonest people I know. The atmosphere at St. John’s is so different from that at UW, that I can let go of my frustrations because they aren’t relevant there. When you are being present in a place like that, what matters is giving a smile, and making connections, not diplomacy and politics. It makes sense to me, and I feel like I fit there. I was expecting to be freaking out and be really out of place, because I was working in a new environment with issues I had never dealt with before. And that discomfort is what learning involves, right?! But it’s not like that at all - no disasters, or reflections, or huge revelations. And so I don’t write about it. Perhaps because it scares me how much I do identify with it there – kinda puts a wrench in those life plans – or because I know that people I have talked to about it don’t seem to get it. Or maybe it’s because I feel like I am cheating a little, because being at St. John’s is not so much challenging as awesome. Perhaps it all of those things, who knows. What I do know, is come May, I am going to be rather sad to leave St. John’s. But I hope that Nairobi offers the same sense of comfort for me.
Cheers,
Cathleen
I am going to start with the story of my day yesterday, which will seem random, but I promise to bring it back to St. John’s. My day yesterday got off to a rather unexpected and frustrating start. I am one of the coordinators of the UW Women’s Centre, and as such I often times get dragged into the ridiculousness of student politics on campus. I can be rather diplomatic, and I know how to play the game when I need to, but dealing with bureaucracy is probably my least favourite thing about any position (paid or volunteer) that I’ve had. There is one particular issue that we are dealing with currently at the Women’s Centre that has been causing a lot of contention, and there are some who feel that the Women’s Centre should take less of a stand on this issue, because it is making certain individuals uncomfortable, and might reflect badly on others. But of course the political game requires that no one ever come right out and say any of this, instead everyone tip toes around one another and uses carefully crafted emails so as to not offend, but to slightly intimidate. Gotta love the political game – fakeness, lies, and red tape: what’s not to love?!...*sigh*. Of course, all of this nonsense yesterday morning made me frustrated, and upset, and all I wanted was to not be near UW people – which unfortunately I have come to associate with not so nice things. So, my solution was to head to St. John’s earlier than usual and try and distract myself. I figured I would still be angry underneath, but that being in an environment, like that of St. John's, would force me to at least pretend to be fine. Well, it did a lot more than that. After about 20 minutes of being there, I completely let go of my frustration. I of course was even more frustrated once I went home and received what seemed like a million emails about the same ridiculous issue...but for about 6 hours of my day, I was frustration free.
It’s hard for me to articulate why I can let go of my frustrations at St. John’s, but I am going to attempt to do so. There is a great deal of comfort that I feel while I am there, and it isn’t for the reasons that I think people would expect. I am not filled with gooey feelings of warmth because I think I am doing a good thing – in fact I still very much feel the same guilt that I did when I initially started there, because I know for a fact that I am getting more out of this than I am giving back. But I feel good about being there because it is an environment that makes sense to me. All the mindless social crap that we are expected to fit into day in and day out gets checked at the door. I don’t have to deal with politics, or diplomacy or red tape – I can just be. There seems to be this thought that if you go to university you are somehow higher on the invisible social hierarchy ladder – we are the leaders of tomorrow, the smartest of the smart, the “civilized”. I for one think this is absolute garbage. There is nothing particularly dignified or civilized or smart about bureaucracy and politics – which is a reality if you move up the ladder. To me, I associate this sort of thing with dishonesty and a lack of integrity – which even a 5 year old child can tell you are bad things. But there is this expectation that we be diplomatic so as to not offend, that we be fake and hide what we really think, no matter how much you might just want to cuss out that person who just mindlessly makes inappropriate comments. And I am guilty of doing it – like I said, I play the game when I need to, but I am frustrated by the underlying suggestion that somehow doing these things makes you “civilized”. To me, there is something so raw, and so honest about St. John’s Kitchen, and the people who use the service. They may not be diplomatic, or what most would consider particularly dignified/refined, and sure some of them may even lie or steal, but you can trust them to be human - to feel emotion and pain, and to react to it in a real way. And it’s this innate sense of honest humanity that just makes me feel comfortable there. I will give you an example. The last Wednesday of every month is when patrons receive their social assistance cheques. And often the last Thursday and Friday of the month you tend to see some patrons come in really drunk or high. It’s easy to put two and two together on this one, and it’s probably easier to make superficial judgements about this sort of thing – they are responsible for their own poverty, they are just lazy and refuse to work hard, they deserve to be where they are. I don’t see it that way however. To me, underneath all of this is just a lot of pain. It is a manifestation of a life lived in poverty; a manifestation of structural violence, and for whatever reason, it clicks with me (not in the sense that I can relate based on my own lived experience – my intention isn’t to marginalize their experiences - but just that I can understand where it comes from). It saddens me to see this sort of thing, and I can’t say it doesn’t frustrate me at times, but my frustration lies in the fact that it is incredibly shameful that poverty is a reality that we allow and accept as a society. I also get frustrated that we look down on this type of behaviour and call it “uncivilized”. But those who live in poverty often react this way, because that’s how they have learned to survive – what’s the excuse for those of us who don’t? We lack integrity and lie so we can get ahead, consume, oppress? I for one am exhausted by it. So I spend time at St. John’s Kitchen. I go as much as I can during the week, because most of the time I would rather spend time with honest strangers, then with dishonest people I know. The atmosphere at St. John’s is so different from that at UW, that I can let go of my frustrations because they aren’t relevant there. When you are being present in a place like that, what matters is giving a smile, and making connections, not diplomacy and politics. It makes sense to me, and I feel like I fit there. I was expecting to be freaking out and be really out of place, because I was working in a new environment with issues I had never dealt with before. And that discomfort is what learning involves, right?! But it’s not like that at all - no disasters, or reflections, or huge revelations. And so I don’t write about it. Perhaps because it scares me how much I do identify with it there – kinda puts a wrench in those life plans – or because I know that people I have talked to about it don’t seem to get it. Or maybe it’s because I feel like I am cheating a little, because being at St. John’s is not so much challenging as awesome. Perhaps it all of those things, who knows. What I do know, is come May, I am going to be rather sad to leave St. John’s. But I hope that Nairobi offers the same sense of comfort for me.
Cheers,
Cathleen
Cat, I'm beginning to believe that you might be the best suited person to be doing something like Beyond Borders. Not just because you want to help people...we all want to do that. But because you're able to truly look past all of the stereotypes and stigmas of people in oppressed and impoverished situations. I trust that Nairobi will afford you the same type of experience you're currently having at St. John's.
I understand that it can be frustrating (to a certain extent) that you're not having the experience you were expecting to have, that you're not being challenged there as much as you prepared yourself for. But, instead I see this as an incredible learning experience for you. I imagine that you didn't know how much you would identify with the patrons at St. John's, and that in itself is something to be grateful for - identifying with them, that is. What's more, though, is that this experience has enabled you to know and truly understand what being human is all about. You've recognized that the pedestal we educated and "civilized" people put ourselves on is all nothing but a farce, and that can be a very powerful learning experience.
One thing I will say though, is that I can only imagine the difficulty you will have when you return to Canada in August. But being aware of that now gives you ample time to unpack those emotions so that your transition and re-integration into the Western world won't prove to be as destructive.
Fantastic post :D
Thank you so much Tina - your kind words and support really mean a lot. I think it's really interesting you mentioned my return in August, because I have been thinking (read: worrying) more and more about that, and I feel like it's going to be the hardest part of the process for me, by far. I am still trying to work out how to best prepare for that transition, but I have a feeling most of the work will need to be done once I get back. But you are right, being aware of what might be in store for me is half the battle. Thanks again, Tina! :)
Cathleen, I am so glad you posted this!
For the longest time, I have been unable to identify the feeling I have inside of me. When people ask me if I am scared, or terrified of my journey, I seem to stumble as I answer "No."
It's not fear or discomfort, and I am not freaking out, but rather, I think I am anticipating this feeling of tranquility and sincere honesty. I really am hoping that is exactly what our journey entails.
Nev
I loved this post!
I haven't been at St. John's enough yet to know whether my experience will be at all similar to yours, but I have had experiences that allowed me to understand and relate. I'll talk a bit more about my first (brief) morning at St. John's on my blog, but even those two hours on Tuesday were, by the end, familiar and comforting.
I think the other side to the "uncivilized" discussion is that you can find people at any level of the social heirarchy who would fit the description--with bureaucrats and academics, the veneer is just shinier. One of the most difficult things about my university experience is exclusivity, and the artificial feeling of uniqueness, that we're supposed to swallow.
I loved how you wrote around the issues you're having with the Women's Centre, also, and I hope next week is a bit better in that department.
I've been to St. John's for three weeks now I would have to agree with you that it is a very honest and REAL place...more than anywhere else I've been in my life, I would say that what you see is the way it is. I wonder if it's because of the fact that the people are poor, generally have little money and no jobs, but they HAVE the fact that they are human and can focus on that. It's a pretty sad commentary on our society that it takes losing most of what we value to be important to be able to focus on being human.
It's funny though, I don't feel the same way you do when I return to campus...when I get back to UW I tend to be pretty happy, because it is familiar and I know the way things work. The unpredictability of St. John's can get to me sometimes.