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This week, I had a particularly relevant Beyond Borders learning moment that I plan on sharing with you all. It’s pretty simple, and it’s not like I didn’t know it before, it just seems a little more important as that departure date comes ever closer. Here it is:
I know that in this situation, my sleepiness got the best of me. I was tired, and worn out, and in a place that I didn’t have the option of shutting the world out for a little bit when I needed a break. And I ended up snapping at someone because of it. It didn’t end up being a big deal because I was in an environment that is relatively safe, and where it is ok for someone to talk back sometimes, but what happens if I do this in Nairobi?! There are going to be days that I am tired and worn down, and where people might make sexist comments, or something of the like, that get under my skin. And reacting the way I did at St. John’s on Tuesday is not really an ideal, or smart way of dealing with the situation. I know I have a temper, and most of the time I can reel it in, but that takes conscious thought and a whole lot of effort; something which won’t be easily accessible if I have some stomach parasite, am jet lagged, and have been woken up by roosters at 3am for several days in a row – hopefully this won’t ever be the case...*fingers crossed*. I think now that I have confirmed that my tongue gets sharper as my energy levels go down, and sexist comments go up – I know what to look out for. And in those moments that I can’t walk away, I am going to be thinking of your story Joanne - the one with the soldier spitting incident. That combined with a few deep breaths should help me gain some perspective...right?! At the very least I can just sign quick quips back at them - oh the joys of knowing sign. :)
Cathleen + lack of sleep + stressor = Ms. Grouchy Pants.
For those non-math fans out there, allow me to explain. I’ll admit it, I get pretty darn grouchy when I am tired, and lately I have definitely been more grouchy than usual. For a good solid month, I’ve been having a really hard time getting a good nights sleep, because I am either forgoing sleep to finish work (oh end of term/IWW, how I loathe thee), or when I do have time to sleep, my body has been unable to let that happen, and I wake up every 30-60 minutes. It’s not exactly ideal, let me tell you. Constant lack of sleep wears on most people, and I am no exception, but typically I can handle the effects of it by just stepping away for a minute (or several) and being by myself. When I don’t do this though, I get short, and frustrated and well...grouchy. So much so, that things I would normally let roll off my back, cause me to snap at people. And this week, I had one such experience at St. John’s Kitchen.
For those non-math fans out there, allow me to explain. I’ll admit it, I get pretty darn grouchy when I am tired, and lately I have definitely been more grouchy than usual. For a good solid month, I’ve been having a really hard time getting a good nights sleep, because I am either forgoing sleep to finish work (oh end of term/IWW, how I loathe thee), or when I do have time to sleep, my body has been unable to let that happen, and I wake up every 30-60 minutes. It’s not exactly ideal, let me tell you. Constant lack of sleep wears on most people, and I am no exception, but typically I can handle the effects of it by just stepping away for a minute (or several) and being by myself. When I don’t do this though, I get short, and frustrated and well...grouchy. So much so, that things I would normally let roll off my back, cause me to snap at people. And this week, I had one such experience at St. John’s Kitchen.
I’m sure by now you all know how much I love it there, and I rarely have a negative thing to say about it, but there are a few things that I find frustrating about my experiences there, which to be fair, are not exclusive to St. John’s. I don’t like being called sweety, honey, darling, cupcake...etc. And I especially don’t like it when it is accompanied by a fussy order. I think it’s pretty obvious why I would have a problem with it – if you want something from me, I am happy to do it, just don’t talk down to me or make condescending comments to me because of my gender. To me, it comes down to basic respect. There is one particular patron at the kitchen who tends to do this sort of thing quite a bit. And most of the time I just give a polite smile and don’t let it bother me. I figure it’s not worth getting upset by, and I am not particularly interested in letting this gentleman ruin my day, or my love for St. John’s. However my usual strategy sort of failed me on Tuesday. On Tuesday, I was walking around like a zombie -completely exhausted from multiple nights of only 3-4 hours of sleep, but I still insisted on going to St. John’s for the day. I was ok when I started around 9am, but as the day went on, my energy levels just plummeted. The introvert in me was beginning to scream for some alone time, but that’s not so much possible at St. John’s, so I just tried to push through it. Apparently it was obvious I wasn’t my normal self because the head of the kitchen continuously commented that I looked awful and that she missed my usual perkiness (which made me laugh). Anyways, around 1:30, as we were scrubbing down the kitchen, this particular gentleman I have been referring to came in and was looking for a plate of food. It was obvious he was a little drunk, which is only relevant in explaining a bit of the confusion that occurred later. Lunch ends at 1pm typically, but the rule of the kitchen is that you still serve anyone who comes in. So, the gentleman flagged me down and asked me to prepare him a plate, of course with excessive use of the word “honey”. When I asked what he wanted on his plate, he was quite specific that he only wanted a small scoop of veggies and that the rest should be meat. So, I grabbed a plate and spooned a small scoop of veggies onto the plate, and started filling the rest with chicken. He then started saying “darling that’s not what I asked for, I said I wanted meat”. I tried to explain politely that what I was putting on his plate was in fact chicken, but he kept interrupting me and telling me “no honey, you’re wrong; I said I wanted meat not rice”. After this exchange happened a couple of times I started getting frustrated because it was like talking to a wall, and I just didn’t have the energy to put up with being talked down to, especially by someone who was not in a state of mind that would let me reason with him. And instead of letting it roll off me, I snapped at him. I raised my voice and told him that it was in fact chicken and that if he didn’t want it, he didn’t have to eat it. I immediately felt really bad about losing my cool, especially since he then immediately stopped arguing with me and took the plate. And what made me feel even worse about it, was that about an hour later, he came up to me and apologized for being difficult, and thanked me for getting him food. Yikes. I honestly felt like the worst person.
I know that in this situation, my sleepiness got the best of me. I was tired, and worn out, and in a place that I didn’t have the option of shutting the world out for a little bit when I needed a break. And I ended up snapping at someone because of it. It didn’t end up being a big deal because I was in an environment that is relatively safe, and where it is ok for someone to talk back sometimes, but what happens if I do this in Nairobi?! There are going to be days that I am tired and worn down, and where people might make sexist comments, or something of the like, that get under my skin. And reacting the way I did at St. John’s on Tuesday is not really an ideal, or smart way of dealing with the situation. I know I have a temper, and most of the time I can reel it in, but that takes conscious thought and a whole lot of effort; something which won’t be easily accessible if I have some stomach parasite, am jet lagged, and have been woken up by roosters at 3am for several days in a row – hopefully this won’t ever be the case...*fingers crossed*. I think now that I have confirmed that my tongue gets sharper as my energy levels go down, and sexist comments go up – I know what to look out for. And in those moments that I can’t walk away, I am going to be thinking of your story Joanne - the one with the soldier spitting incident. That combined with a few deep breaths should help me gain some perspective...right?! At the very least I can just sign quick quips back at them - oh the joys of knowing sign. :)
Cheers,
Cathleen
SOmetimes I wonder why it's so taboo to be short and a little barbed with people who are being obnoxious?!? if we were dogs, ad one of the pack was getting out or hand we would growl the first time and attack the next. yes we are "civilized" but we also have feelings and emotions that may not always have to be on such a short leash. perhaps there was a more constructive way of getting your point across to this gentleman (like requesting that he doesn't refer to you as honey - which in his mind may be a term od endearment rather than meant as a sexist, condescending remark). His response, and later apology is an indicator that he got the point - I'm curious to see how he behaves the next time he comes in... I think the guiding premise in a place like St Johns is that as service workers we need to treat people with respect and dignity (premises that are not always evident in other areas of the patron's lives), but I dont think that you/we are wrong to expect the same kind of treatment in return. you shouldn't feel guilty about your barbed tounge, it is what happened in the situation, and got your point across - perhaps next time you will handle it differently, or maybe not.
These kind of things happen, if you can't forgive yourself, don't expect anybody else to forgive you either. You are simply just human,as Joanne always so kindly reminds us(: and as a result of your humanity, you reacted as such. I could see myself reacting similarly, everybody has their little glitches that spark negative reactions. Unfortunately, we don't come with instructions above our heads that warn everybody in our surroundings how we may react to certain things, but that's just part of the fun (:
I know the way you responded made you feel guilty - but sometimes, doesn't it feel nice to just tell people what you REALLY think? There are so many obnoxious people in the world, and sometimes they just need someone to really tell them off. But of course, there is a time an place for everything - and although you're initial reaction wasn't how you wanted things to play out, I believe you handled this situation appropriately - because you know what, now the patron understands how you feel about certain things and now you two can work on building a relationship based on respect.