Little Cat in the Big World

This week in my WS 208E class – Women Writing Since the 1900’s – we had to read a short story entitled “The Terrors of Basket Weaving” by Patricia Highsmith. For those of you who haven’t read this story (which I’m assuming is all but one of you), allow me to give you a quick summary. Essentially the story features this married couple, a man and a woman, who live a traditionally successful corporate life. By all appearances they are happy with their respective lives, until one day the woman finds a basket. She fixes the basket, and something inside her is stirred up. A deep connection is made during her basket weaving experience. The woman is unable to explain the feeling, but knows that there is a part of her that feels like she needs the basket weaving to be happy. When she tries to process and have these feelings validated by her partner, he does not understand, and is unable to provide her the support that she desperately is in search of. I won’t ruin the rest of the story for you, but the main point here is that in this story, the woman went through a significant experience – an experience that was very obscure and in a lot of ways not relatable – and she found her experience and feelings being marginalized by her usual support network; although not on purpose. And all of this got me to thinking about support networks...

Trust Falls

As bizarre as the story was to read, I really found myself identifying with it – or at the very least projecting my latest existential crisis onto it. Over the past 5 years at Waterloo, I have done A LOT of flopping around on dry land trying to figure out where I fit, and more importantly, will be happy. I have switched programs, picked up new ones, and taken up almost every hobby available in the name of self exploration. The only things that ever really truly clicked for me though were running and ASL (American Sign Language). It’s not like I didn’t enjoy any of the other things I was doing, like I said before as long as I am learning I’m pretty content, but nothing else had that “I can’t imagine my life without this” feeling to it. That was actually true until I started at St. John’s Kitchen. While my first blog entry about this focused mostly on the guilt I experienced after being there, there was also a large part of me that was definitely feeling really connected with the work I was doing there. So much so, that I have been using essentially all my free time during the week volunteering there. I don’t know what it is about that place, but I feel like I need to be there. And I felt this way ever since I started there, in spite of the craziness and adjustment of the first day. And while there is still a lot of guilt wrapped up in it, I absolutely adore St. John’s. I found myself really wanting to share this excitement and energy with someone, but whenever I went to try and explain it, I was at a loss for words; or at least words that my friends/family understood. Like the woman in the story I was reaching out to my support network, and though this wasn’t their intention, I felt like what I was saying wasn’t being acknowledged in the way that I needed it to be. And this was really tough for me, because I really was having a hard time trying to figure out where to go next. It was like doing one of those trust falls, and being dropped on the floor. Harsh! It wasn’t until I started reading some of the blog entries, and talking with other members of the program/Joanne, that I began to realize the importance of having a support network during this journey. Being the huge introvert that I am, I rarely feel the desire to bounce ideas off other people, preferring to work it out in my head instead. But there are times, when I do need that second or third opinion. And I find with the stuff we are dealing with/will deal with in this program, I am going to need that 2nd opinion a little more often then I'd like to admit. When I read some of the blogs, and chatted with Joanne, I definitely started feeling more at peace with the whole situation. I didn’t have any more answers then when I started, but I knew it was ok, because there were 11 other people who have the capacity to understand where I am coming from, and some of whom are even going through the same things. It's not exactly the place that I was expecting to find comfort, but I am definitely appreciative.

Riding Without Training Wheels

Today while at St. John’s, I was told by the usual head of this wonderful service, that I was in charge of the kitchen for the rest of the day, because all the other staff members were busy working on something else. Truth be told, I was a touch terrified. Ok, more than a touch, a big heaping spoonful of terrified! I had only been there 3 times before, and had pretty much relied on others to tell me what needed to be done. There is a system there, and the last thing I wanted to do was disturb it. But, obviously someone thought I knew enough to be in charge, and didn’t really give me much of a choice. I was given the order and that was that. The training wheels were now off, ready or not! Not going to lie, I’m pretty sure Joanne’s voice popped in my head and told me to pretend like this was Nairobi – why not use it as a learning experience?! Well you win Joanne, I did. I avoided the urge to curl into a ball, instead opting to just push through it the best I knew how; accepting that I would make mistakes, and feel pretty confused the entire time just like I’m sure will happen 10x over in Nairobi. And oh boy did I ever! Ultimately though, lunch was served, and the kitchen didn’t burn down – a pretty successful day overall, if you think about it; although this really didn’t occur to me until later on. As we were cleaning up at the end of the day, the regular head of the kitchen came back after completing her other tasks. She and I were chatting, and she asked me “you didn’t think you could run the kitchen by yourself did you?” My response was obviously “definitely not!”. To which she replied “but you did, and I knew you could”. I was pretty taken aback by this comment, because it made me think about Nairobi. I applied to a program that is essentially going to plop me in a foreign community, with its own set of rules and language and everything!, and I am expected to take the lead and teach women how to sew. It seems like an outrageously scary thing to do. And I have doubts about my ability to do it. But obviously someone thought I had the ability, or else I probably wouldn’t be in this program. Just like someone thought I had the ability to run the show today. I guess the point of me sharing this, is that I am amazed at where I am finding the most support this year. It’s not in the people I would have thought/hoped and it’s not in the ways that I expected, but it’s there. And it is absolutely humbling to see the ways that we can make connections with others. I am determined to keep this in mind while in Nairobi. I know there will be times that I feel like I can’t do it, and where I will probably want to quit. But I know I have a support network out there all over the world (psst...that’s you guys!) and I think that is one of the most important aspects of this program. Fostering connections and truly creating a community abroad and right here at home.

That's it for this week!

Cheers,
Cathleen

This week was extremely hectic for me, and in between all the classes, and meetings and work and volunteering etc. I kept waiting for this week’s blog topic to smack me on the nose, but to no such luck. Then yesterday night, I found a little inspiration in the strangest place, in a game of “GO FISH”! You all remember that game right?! The really simple card game that you play when you are about 7 year old, where you try and make pairs by asking the other people for cards. If they don’t have the specific card you want then you “go fish” and pick up another from the deck. Yep, that’s the one! Well, I got to play a more “extreme” version (this was no game for seven year olds =P) last night. Friday night, myself and the other coordinator of the UW Women’s Centre organized training for our wonderful volunteers. Included in the training was an Ally training session facilitated by a representative from GLOW. I have done Ally training before, and I was no stranger to the content in the session, except for this crazy game of go fish, which was a new edition to the training. Let me explain. The group was split up into three smaller groups, and each of these smaller groups had to pick a leader. These leaders were then taken out into the hall and given additional rules for how to play the game. Two of the teams were given one set of rules, and the third group was given a different set. I was in the 3rd group, and our set of instructions was to play a regular game of go fish, but with these additional rules: 1) players weren’t allowed to look at anyone in the eye, 2) players must always address other players by first name, 3) female identified players received two turns in a row and male identified players only one. As we were playing, I found myself being agitated by the fact that we weren’t allowed to look people in the eye, and with the fact that I had to excessively use people’s names (excessive name use is one of my biggest pet peeves....weird I know). Most of us didn’t really understand the point of the exercise, but we all just blindly followed the rules, assuming that a point was going to be made. After each group finished the first game, participants from each group were forced to join another group, but were not informed of the rules in that new group. We were instructed to start playing and that was it. So, our leader started, and he turned to me and rested his hand on my legs and asked, “do you have any sevens, please?” I of course shrieked and pulled my leg away, because my personal space bubble is massive, and when people touch me it makes my skin crawl a little. That’s not an exaggeration either, it feels like little spiders are crawling on my skin. It really doesn’t matter who it is, it’s just less intense when I know/like you. Of course, everyone found it amusing, but I was slightly confused as to why I was being touched. I eventually figured out that this was part of the rules, as everyone kept touching each other on the leg when they asked for a card, and when I didn’t do it I missed a turn. Apparently, part of the rules was also to be extra polite, which I didn’t realize, because I was saying please and thanks every time I asked for/received a card anyways (my parents would be so proud). Once I caught on to the fact that we had to touch each other, I clenched my jaw and powered through the rest of the game, uncomfortable, but resolved to suck it up because I assumed it was part of the learning experience. So, after we finished the game, we had an opportunity to debrief and discuss the exercise. The participants who switched groups were asked how they fared. Everyone commented that they were extremely confused and uncomfortable, but once they figured out what everyone else was doing, they just conformed. This was the point where our facilitator made the link between the exercise and life. According to the facilitator, the game represents the unstated rules of our society that are considered “the norm”. And our experience of switching groups and not being told the rules, represented someone who exists outside of the definition of “the norm”. How we react is how many of us react in a situation where we feel like we don’t fit in. We do things that we wouldn’t normally do, and we conform to these unwritten rules. And for those of who are “the norm” we force others to conform by making them uncomfortable to be themselves. While obviously not a perfect analogy, the overall point was that we need to learn to appreciate and accept diversity and individualism, and we need to learn to question authority and the things we accept blindly.

In this scenario, I was a conformist. I sucked it up, and let people invade my personal space, to make things go easier – apparently shrieking and yanking my limbs away was rather disruptive to the group...go figure. I made myself uncomfortable in the name of what I thought was a learning experience, but the underlying suggestion is that I should have put my foot down and told them to stop invading the personal space bubble. Joanne always says you aren’t learning unless you are uncomfortable, but I would have been uncomfortable either way – if I had thrown a fit and said stop touching me, or if I just clenched my jaw and pushed through it. Ultimately, we react different ways in different situations, and it made me reflect on my boundaries, and situations where I have chose to conform and situations where I refused to. I can honestly say I have learned something from each of these situations, and sometimes I’ve stepped on people’s toes, and other times I tried to make them more comfortable. How do we balance our own thoughts and feelings with the thoughts of others? And how will this have to change abroad? We all have fairly established boundaries here in our comfortable western lives, but when we go off to our placements, those boundaries are going to be seriously challenged, and will probably have to shift in the name of our own safety/health/happiness, at the expense of others. I guess the question that interests me the most about all of this is, if our boundaries have the potential to be so fluid, why do they mean so much to us while we are here? Do we ever really know what the “right” path is? These are definitely meant as rhetorical questions, and I don’t really expect an answer, it’s just something that I have been pondering and thought I would share with the group. In any case, it was an interesting exercise, and I appreciated the opportunity for reflection that it provided. Hopefully I have something a little more interesting for you next week!

Cheers,
Cathleen

If What We Are Doing is Apparently So Good, Why Do I Feel So Guilty?!

Welcome to part two of my post for this week. Now it’s time to get into specifics about my volunteer experience. I apologize in advance for the length of this post.

MMM...Tastes Like Humanity

St. John’s Kitchen is a pretty amazing place, in that so many of the volunteers who help to prepare those meals day in and day out are patrons. St. John’s gives these individuals an opportunity to be productive and contributing members of their community, when everyone else in society makes them feel worthless. The amount of humanity in that place just energized me. Besides the little incident when I walked up to the door initially, I really only had patrons be superbly kind and polite. Those that I worked alongside were tremendously friendly, and helped me out whenever they could. Many of them showed me the ropes, and shared stories with me. Those who were not volunteering were tremendously kind as well, politely saying thank you when they received food, and asking “how are you today?” as I went to wipe down tables, and even rushing to hold open the door for me as I was carrying boxes upstairs. It was an incredible thing to see in such concentrated amounts, as I am used to volunteering in a more one on one setting (you are right Denise, it rivals the marathon high!). It’s an incredibly non-judgemental environment, and the regular volunteers/staff there are pretty inspirational. They know everyone’s names, and do everything they can to make things a little easier for patrons. I am so glad that I chose St. John’s as my placement. I was struggling with some life choices recently, and it was exactly the sort of thing I needed to see. I can’t wait for next week!

Frustrations, Agitations, and Revelations.

Those of you that know me, know that you can get under my skin quite easily with even the tiniest comment if it relates (or I perceive it to relate) to gender discrimination. It’s definitely one of my biggest frustrations in life, having someone define me based on my gender/sex and make judgement calls on my abilities because I happen to be “female”. I will spare you all the existential rant about my views on gender/sex, but ultimately, I view my talents and skills as a reflection of my experience, opportunity and interests, not my gender. Once I get settled into a place, the people I surround myself with are aware that I feel this way, and usually feel the same way too, so it’s a non-issue. But typically when I start a new position, I find I have to really fight to be respected and challenged. There were a handful of incidents while at St. John’s on Friday, that definitely got under my skin a little, and made me reflect a lot on the challenges I will face in Nairobi. For instance, I was helping several fellows unload a delivery truck full of boxes of food, and I would purposely be handed bread or small containers because I was the only girl there. I also got talked down to a couple of times when I asked for help lifting a box off the top shelf, because they assumed it was the weight and not my height that was an issue. Really, if they had a stool available I would have done it myself. I was also called sweety, honey, and darling quite a bit during the day too. I get that I’m small, and get told quite often I still look like I’m 16, but it’s incredibly frustrating to constantly have to push twice as hard for people to take me seriously, or to have them challenge me. At the end of the day, these are really small things - they make my eye twitch a little, but I move on. But I fear that in Nairobi I am going to experience a lot more than that, and on a pretty regular basis too. I know it will be challenging for me to deal with and keep my composure after several weeks of the same thing. But I think recognizing this will be half the battle.

One of my biggest frustrations of the day occurred while I was watching some students who were volunteering that day as well. It just seemed to me like they were just going through the motions – there because they needed to cushion their resume or something. They were standing around gossiping in the closet at times, they ignored patrons as they wiped down tables (while many of the patrons were trying to make conversation with them), and they even avoided looking people in the eye when we were distributing food. They by no means were a reflection of the volunteers there, which is possibly why I found myself really upset by it. Why even bother being there if you have no intention of trying to actually contribute? Most of the time all people really need are a smile and friendly hello – essentially acknowledgement of their existence. That takes less effort than getting to the actual kitchen itself. I’m by no means perfect, but I really don’t understand how you can eat the same food that is feeding these patrons, sit at the same tables as them, do the same chores as them, and still act as though you are being inconvenienced. How can you not be moved by the amount of kindness and community in that place?! I’m still pretty frustrated by this experience, and haven’t been able to see the silver lining or positive thread in it. But such is life I guess.

Caution: Hurdles Ahead

I mentioned in my first post, that spending time at St. John’s Kitchen both energized me and weighed me down. I explained the first part of that statement, so now on to the latter half. I’m a pretty terrible conversationalist in general, and often feel like I don’t have much to say to people. It’s not that I can’t relate to them, I just don’t know where to start. I find small talk pretty useless, because it doesn’t reveal much about people. I want to learn from people, and hear about their real experiences, not talk about the weather! But I recognize that a certain amount of small talk is necessary when you first meet people – you can’t debate politics, philosophy and religion right off the bat (although I would love too). So, I usually resort to the old standbys, “where do you go to school?”, “where are you from?”, “what do you do?”. Not so much relevant in a place like St. John’s Kitchen when more than ¾ of the people there don’t have answers to these things. But usually when these things fail, I have a few standbys: running, sign language, even Beyond Borders. But I found that I didn’t even really want to talk about these things, because I felt like a spoiled little girl who just came down to volunteer because the course she was taking at university made her. A lot of the time, I found myself at a loss for words beyond “how are you today?” and “how long have you been with St. John’s Kitchen?”. It really made me reflect a lot on how privilege and class separation is really very alienating. Not the most enlightened revelation, I know, and it certainly isn’t a new one, but it was a stark reminder that at the end of the day, I can list my accomplishments off all I want, but what do they really mean?! They just reek of money and privilege. That’s it. When you strip it all down, we are all the same, some of us just got lucky. When I mentioned I was weighed down after the experience this is what I meant. To be blunt, I felt like a huge tool being there. Ultimately, I am spending time with St. John’s Kitchen because of this course. I will be there 4.5 hours a week until I leave for my trip, and then I will never be back – not because I don’t want to, but because I will be in Nairobi for the summer, then in September I won’t be living in KW anymore. And let’s face it, I am getting a lot more out of this then the people I am supposedly helping. I get to learn from the experience and try and use it towards self improvement, I get to add one more thing to my resume, and ideally I should be able to come out of there feeling pretty good about myself because I am “doing a good thing”. The only thing that those patrons are getting from me is a smile and a spoonful (or several spoonfuls) of food – all things that they can get from any of the various volunteers in that place. So like I said in the title, if what we are doing is so good, why do I feel so guilty? I actually avoided talking about beyond borders with friends and family for a long while, because I hated hearing “oh you are doing such a good thing”. Same thing goes with asking for money for this trip – I feel like I am asking people to pay for my vacation. This experience is something I have always wanted to do, and I don't negate the fact that there is good work being done, but I am finding myself being weighed down with the feeling that I am using the people of Nairobi for my own self improvement. I will come home after three months with all this newly acquired knowledge and skills, and I will return to the same cushy western life, and they will still be there. I get on paper, that I am doing a “good thing” and will hopefully become more engaged with social justice issues in my own communities when I get home, but there is something that just isn’t clicking about it when I try and process that. And I also realize, that doing nothing is not the answer either - every little bit counts, but that good ol' guilt just keeps bubbling up to the surface. It definitely has me quite worried about the reintegration process, and I haven’t even left for Nairobi yet. Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into here?! Hooray for existential crices!

I know that was a long one, so thanks to those of you who stuck it out.

Cheers!
-Cat

Yesterday marked my first day volunteering at St. John’s Kitchen, and I am both energized and completely weighed down after the experience. For those of you who aren’t involved with the Beyond Borders program, all BB participants are required to volunteer with a local KW development organization during the term before their departure, in order to gain a better understanding of issues that plague our own communities. St. John’s Kitchen is one of the many services found at the Working Centre – a community-based organization that is committed to providing tools and opportunities for individuals to create their own work and build community. St John’s Kitchen is essentially a soup kitchen, but with a special emphasis on collaboration and community as many of the volunteers who help prepare and serve meals are also patrons. It was this organic system which made me choose St. John’s Kitchen as my volunteer placement for the term. KW has a plethora of development organizations, but I was searching for something based on a system of knowledge exchange and equal interaction, not one based on “other-ing” and hierarchy. When I looked into St. John’s, it sounded very much like that, but truth be told, I really had no idea what to expect.

Monday marked the first day of school for the winter term, as well as our first Beyond Borders seminar of the term. Somewhat to my surprise, I found myself rather excited to spend a day with a group of 10 other students, who a mere four months ago were complete strangers. Going home for the holidays is usually a rather grounding experience for me as I usually spend time with old friends, and find myself reflecting on just how much I have changed while at school. This holiday in particular showed me how much I actually have changed over the past four months, and this was in large part due to the Beyond Borders program, and working with my fellow participants who in many ways are quite different from myself. For those that know me, I am not usually described as being a people person, and it typically takes me a while before I warm up to someone. I have been deeply humbled by how effective our class discussions and fundraising initiatives have been at uniting the group, despite our differences. It was a refreshing realization when I came back that this group is going to be there for a pretty significant moment in my life - in all of our lives really.

But back to the seminar...

The day began with a personality testing workshop, which I'll be honest, I was initially quite skeptical about. While I do enjoy doing personality tests (who doesn't enjoy a good set of survey questions to answer from time to time?) I don't usually find they reveal much about my temperment that I don't already know. And on top of that, there is a part of me that feels like personality testing has the ability to hinder self improvement, in the sense that it gives us an excuse to avoid confronting our flaws. Instead test results allow us to just chalk up our rudeness or choice to not include someone, on our personality - "it's just who we are". I was able to overcome my reservations though, and actually found some value in the workshop. My personality was found to fit the "Inquiring Green" category the closest. According to the test, my core needs are knowledge and competence. I was also found to be extremely introverted. I wasn't surprised at all with my results, but where I found value was in the discussions that followed after we all presented our results. In particular, I was rather appreciative of the discussion surrounding introverted and extroverted temperments - specifically the definitions that were provided for each of these categories. Introverts were explained as individuals who derive energy from introspection and personal reflection, while extroverts derive energy from interaction with others. I have a tendency to chalk my introversion up to just another case of the grumpies, but understanding the complexity of our basic tendencies I feel will make it easier for all of us to work together in the coming months, and especially while abroad. We may never understand why someone needs those 10 minutes just to recharge, or why someone else just really needs that hug, but after this workshop I think we are all a little closer to being able to just accept and respect these qualities in others.

The second part of the seminar featured a self defense workshop - which I thought was an absolute riot! Not because I thought it was particularly useful - to be honest if it comes down to it, I will probably resort back to the moves I used in my childhood in an attempt to fend off my older brother's attacks - but because I saw it as one of the first times that everyone, including our program director, Joanne, was able to just let go and not be inhibited by the somewhat academic nature of our class. There was plenty of laughter and giggles (and some brusing too!), and I felt as though our group really started to become unified in that moment. By the end of the day I found myself rather excited for the next time the whole gang would be together again.

For me, this whole Beyond Borders journey finally feels real, not just because we all have our placements (although that does help quite a bit), but because I finally feel like our group has come together as a team; uniting over our desire for change in the world, change in others, and change in self. This seminar was a great start to the term, and while the road has been difficult at times, I can't wait for the changes and challenges that are sure to come!

-Cat

For those of you who don’t know already, my name is Cathleen (Cat) and I am part of a program called Beyond Borders (BB). BB is a service learning program offered through St. Jerome’s University where participants spend eight months working towards a three month summer volunteer placement abroad. This blog is just one part of the preparation and reflection process, and will also serve as my way of documenting the challenges, changes and adventures which are to come over the coming months. This is my first attempt at blogging, and I will be honest that I don’t necessarily like the idea of putting myself out there in a public forum, nor do I find it a simple process, but I am resolved to view it as one of the many challenges and opportunities for learning that this program brings. So stay tuned and I promise to share my “stories and thoughts on the road to Nairobi”. And I look forward to hearing from you all.
Cheers!